Tool of the Year – Contender Number Six – Liam Stacey

You might be asking, who the fuck is that? Well I’m going to tell you if you show a little patience.

Liam Stacey is a vile excuse for a human being, who decided it would be a good idea to make fun out of Fabrice Muamba, the Bolton Wanderers footballer who suffered an on-the-pitch cardiac arrest.

US Government Admit Defeat As New Justin Bieber Single Escapes

The US Government have admitted defeat in their battle to contain the music of Justin Bieber as another single today escaped the music factory and warned that outbreaks of screaming and crying from teenage girls and gay men are likely to follow.

Senior government figures have been working around the clock in an effort to stop the single being released by Bieber’s record label and they thought the threat had been contained, only to see it hit the virtual shelves today.

Rich Asking For List Of People That Won’t Have Dinner With Cameron

The world of the rich was in uproar last night as Prime Minister David Cameron continued to reject calls to publish a list of people that would refuse to have dinner with him and his wife, with some even claiming the Prime Minister is into kinky sex games.

Queen Gunning For Alan Hansen On Visit To MOTD Studios

The Queen and Prince Phillip visited the Match of the Day studio at Media City in Salford today and asked, “Where does that dickhead Alan Hansen sit?”

The visit was part of Her Majesty’s 60^th jubilee tour and the football mad monarch was quite excited as she entered the MOTD studios.

Police Lines Inundated As Huge Ball Of Light Sighted In British Skies

Worried members of the public across the country have flooded police lines as a huge ball of heat and light continues to dominate British skies.

The phenomenon, which has many scientists baffled, started earlier in the week, however concerned citizens have now begun contacting police in an effort to understand exactly what is going on.

Do A Tulisa - A Male ‘Celebrity’ Guide To Ensuring Your Name Stays In The Headlines

Male celebrities; you muscle bound, bronzed gods. Did you really think we’d leave you out of our guides, you big bunch of women?

It’s a little harder for male ‘celebrities to earn the title of celebrity. For most, it’s not as simple as sticking a cock in your mouth and filming it. It’s what you do with your cock that matters, not someone else’s.

Do A Tulisa - A Female ‘Celebrity’ Guide To Ensuring Your Name Stays In The Headlines

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Peru To Outcast Paddington Bear Over Falklands Dispute

Peru is to formally make Paddington Bear an outcast after he refused to leave London and return to home in order to show solidarity with Latin American countries.

The move came after Peruvian president Ollanta Humala turned a British frigate away from their country and rejected a visit to London in order to show support for Argentina over the Falkland Islands.

Nine Months To Armageddon 2012 – Apparently

Well, it’s the official beginning of Spring today and with its arrival, the huge majority of us say goodbye to their last ever winter.

In case you’re unaware and wondering what the fuck I’m talking about, I’ll explain. There are some in our society who believe that, because the Mayans didn’t bother to write any more calendars after 21 December 2012, that the world will end. Have you ever heard of anything more pathetic other than when Nick Clegg speaks?

Tax Statements To be Issued So We Can See How Our Money Is Wasted

The chancellor George ‘Ossy’ Osbourne is set to announce plans to issue personalised tax statements from 2014 so that regular tax payers can see exactly what our money is being wasted on.

Ossy is to use his budget statement tomorrow to outline the plans so that those of us who have ho idea about the tax system can be more perplexed than ever, despite Ossy claiming it will be easier to understand and more transparent.

Frenzy As Media Discover Kate Middleton Has A Voice

The British media has gone batshit crazy after discovering Kate Middleton not only has a voice of her own, but she can use it as well.

The Duchess of Cambridge made her first ever public speech when she visited East Anglia’s Children’s Hospices today, which is one of her charities and there was some consternation within the charity organisation when it was announced the Duchess would be visiting alone, with some very concerned that the speech would only consists of mumbling with a few nervous laughs thrown in for effect.

Government To Risk Economy In order To Address The Crap British Weather In 2012 Budget

Chancellor George Osbourne is understood to not give a shit about the economy and concentrate on addressing the issue of the shit weather Britain endures every year.

Each summer, the British public are subjected to weeks of constant rain while other countries bask in sunshine. But under new proposals from the coalition government, that will end and we will finally get the weather we’ve been praying for at the expense of the economy.

Slappers Claim Take Me Out Is Fixed After Failing To Get Laid

A group of slappers who failed to get laid after appearing on shit ITV1 show Take Me Out have made claims the show is fixed and blame producers for them not getting a shag.

The girls, who have not been named as everyone will know what sluts they are, said producers of the sexist show told them when to keep their lights on and when to turn them off, prompting complaints that they have been denied a ‘decent bit of cock.’

Asteroid Will Narrowly Miss Destroying France, Claim Disappointed Experts

Experts have been left disappointed after realising a huge asteroid with the destructive power of a H-Bomb will narrowly miss crashing into France.

Scientists from around the world, apart from France were hoping the 50m long lump of space rock would enter the Earth’s atmosphere and smash dramatically in the land of the frog eaters, but have now concluded that it will miss Earth altogether.

Cameraman To Be Charged With Murder Of Star Rabbit Born Without Ears

A cameraman, thought to be jealous of an earless baby rabbit’s burgeoning career, is set to be charged with murder after stepping on the star while filming him at an East German zoo.

Chisora Accused Of Being A Chav Boxer

British boxer Dereck Chisora has had his boxing licence revoked after he was accused of boxing like a chav.

The British Boxing Board of Control, surely that can be shortened somehow, revoked the licence after Chisora slapped his opponent, Vitali Klitschko at the weigh in, spat water in his brother’s face and the brawled with David Haye in Munich in February, leading the BBBoC to leave no option but to label him a chav fighter.

Tool of the Year – Contender Number Five – Saul Zaentz Company

When I started Tool of the Year, I didn’t intend for organisations to be included; it was solely for individuals. But Saul Zaentz Company (SZC), along with the catholic church (to come) has made the list.

So why has SZC made our list of pure unadulterated dickheads? Because they are trying to sue an English pub because it is named The Hobbit.

The Criminals Of The Hobbit, Southampton

Criminals come in all shapes and sizes and their crimes vary in degree, but one such crime cannot go unpunished and lawyers in Hollywood have set about punishing the criminal concerned.

There is a pub in Southampton called The Hobbit, which has held the name for twenty years and in 2007 was dubbed the best pub in Southampton. But regulars to the pub had absolutely no idea that the owners of the establishment were criminals of the highest order.

Students To Protest About Costs By Not Using The Education They Have Paid For

Tens of thousands of students are planning a national walkout on Wednesday in protest against the cost of education, despite the fact that they have already paid for their education this term.

Doom And Gloomers Disappointed At Lack Of Destruction Following Solar Storm

Doom and Gloom merchants from across the globe have been expressing their disappointment that the recent solar storm went by largely unnoticed and did not cause any destruction, which could have led to the end of the world.

A huge explosion on the surface of the sun sent solar particles hurtling towards earth and there was particular excitement at Doomsday HQ when they saw the magnitude of the blast. And when they discovered airlines and power companies were on alert, they were positively masturbating themselves into a frenzy at the thought that their stupid predictions of death and destruction in 2012 would have come true.

Dolphins To Make Cruelty Complaint Following Brazilian Beach Rescue

Around thirty dolphins are set to make a claim for compensation, claiming beachgoers in Brazil mistreated them as they were rescued from the beach and put back into the sea.

The incident started when the dolphins swam too close to the shore line at Arraial do Cobo in Rio de Janeiro before the water selfishly retreated, leaving the dolphins stranded on the beach. As the mammals squealed at the embarrassment of becoming beached, a group of beachgoers helped them get back to the sea by dragging them by their tails.

Al Qaeda Claim Responsibility For Solar Storm

Al Qaeda has reacted strongly to rumours that they are in a state of disarray by claiming responsibility for the explosion on the surface of the sun, which in turn has sent a huge magnetic storm towards our planet.

Cameron 'Desperately Sad' Over British Soldier Deaths? Well Pull them Out Then

In 2001, British soldiers joined America in fighting the Taliban in the attempt to find Osama Bin Laden under the banner of ‘War on Terror.’ Eleven years later, Bin Laden is dead and Afghanistan is no longer under Taliban rule.

In the years following the start of the war, Britain has had two General Elections and three different Prime Ministers. Since the start of the war, America have had two elections and two different Presidents and are building up to a third election which could result in a third president.

Now Penguins Stake Falkland Islands Claim

The Antarctic penguin empire has staked a claim on the Falklands Islands as the 30^th anniversary of the war between the UK and Argentina over the islands grows closer.

Despite the UK officially controlling the islands and Argentina laying claim to what they call Las Malvinas, the penguin empire say that the islands ‘have and always will belong to them.’

Alien Invasion Dismissed As ‘Meteorite’

A suspected alien invasion is being covered up as an asteroid or meteorite in the upper levels of Earth’s atmosphere.

Police from across the UK received numerous calls form worried members of the public on Saturday night, claiming the saw a large fireball in the sky, prompting worried citizens to suspect the country was being invaded from the depths of space.

Humperdinck Resurrected For Eurovision Failure

The United Kingdom’s Eurovision organisers have performed something of a minor miracle by resurrecting crooner Englebert Humperdinck so that the country can once again fail at the Eurovision Song Contest.

Humperdinck has not been heard of since his last ‘hit’ in 1974 and his sudden re-appearance back in the music scene has caused many to ask if UK Eurovision organisers have been able to bring him back from the afterlife.

Katie Price To Finally be Tried For Crimes Against Humanity

Attention seeking publicity whore Katie Price is to finally be prosecuted by Court of Human Rights for crimes against humanity, it has emerged.

The former glamour model is accused of torturing the British public by peddling any old shit just to get her name in magazines and papers and appearing on TV before the nine o’clock watershed, causing many children to suffer from nightmares. But a spokesman for The Hague said that once they found Price guilty, the British public would no longer have to suffer her drivel.