The GRS, who are responsible for the deaths of thousands of
humans every year, said they haven’t had enough time to prepare for the
impending doom, nor have the had sufficient capabilities to recruit and train
new reapers into the service in time for Friday’s end of the world spectacular.
A spokesman for the GRS said, “One hundred and forty four
thousand years is nowhere near long enough to prepare to kill seven billion
people in one go. I don’t think the bloody Mayans took the population boom into
account when making their wacky predictions. As a result, we may not be able to
mercilessly slaughter every human on the planet. There may be some survivors,
probably around seven billion if I’m being honest.”
All annual leave within the service has been cancelled and
even those reapers that have called in sick are being drafted back to work to
try and handle the crisis. “There are some who are off sick this time every
year,” said the spokesman. “They ring in sick, then we see them in Argos doing
their Christmas shopping. Well not this year, this is the big one and we want
everyone available. Friday is going to be one hell of a busy day.”
One reaper, known only as ‘Kevin’ said “Is this really
surprising since the GRS is run by the same firm that almost fucked up the
Olympic security? It’s just down to complete mis-management. This is what
happens when you privatise companies then give them the huge responsibility of
killing the entire planet. It’s a joke, it really is.
“But I’ll tell you something as well, those dickhead Mayans
should have known better than have this at this time of year. We’re already
busy as fuck with suicides and stuff in the run up to Christmas. The last thing
we needed was an assignment to completely wipeout mankind. Personally though, I
think it will be cancelled.”
The announcement of the crisis has been met with derision by
many deities, with both God and Allah* said to be bitterly disappointed that
not as many people as predicted will die on Friday. In a joint news conference,
God said, “It’s beyond a fucking joke that the GRS have dragged their heels for
this length of time and now they say they haven’t got the staff to cope. Bunch
of fucking tossers. I was looking forward to casting people into hell as well,
especially that twat The Fed Up Jedi. He’s always taking the piss out of me.
I’ll get him one day.”
And Allah for once agreed with his Christian counterpart.
“It’s pathetic. The GRS are an absolute shambles, worse than that bloody
coalition government in Britain and that’s fucking saying something. But in
truth, it’s a good job they’ll be survivors. Our side of Heaven ran out of
virgins a while ago and many of our women have been around the block a few
times to be honest so it might be better if we don’t do it this week. Is it too
late to cancel? Can we have our money back?”
*Other deities are available
May the force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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