God, who has been in charge of the earth since it’s creation
four and a half billion years ago, made the decision as he was getting sick of
people who call themselves human, killing in his name.
“I think he’s had enough,” said god’s official spokesman The
Pope in Rome. “He’s getting a lot of bad press at the moment, so he’s decided
now is the time to step aside and let some other shmuck, sorry person to take
over and see if he can sort it out. Or she, of course. Like that will happen.”
And god himself said “Don’t you think I deserve a rest? I
built this fucking planet on a week, sorted Adam and Eve out, the dirty pair of
bastards and watched my lad get nailed to a cross. After four billion years,
I’m retiring so piss off, I don’t fucking care anymore.”
God admitted that, during his time in charge of the earth he
had made some mistakes that he ended up regretting later in life. “I’ll never
live the dinosaurs down to be honest. Thought I’d done a good job at hiding the
evidence too. And Liverpool. I don’t think I should ever created that place.
Serious mistake there.”
With god stepping down, it is widely expected that Jesus
would take control, however several candidates have said they intend to stand
for election. Saint Peter has already said that he will stand against Jesus,
while both Elvis and Winston Churchill has spoken through a medium to say he
will also challenge.
“Elections are going to take place in the first week of
December,” said a heavenly spokesman earlier. “We want to get them out of the
way before Jesus has his 2012th birthday bash. You’d think he’s be
bored with parties now but now he still wants one every bloody year.
Meanwhile, god botherers on earth will be on tenterhooks
waiting to find out who will be the next god.
“I hope BBC or ITV will cover it live,” said Aimee Walker
from Shrewsbury. “Maybe they could do a reality TV show out of it, like Big God
or something. That’d be good.”
May the force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
No comments:
Post a Comment