So Armageddon is less than three months away. December 21
2012 is the day we all die so I have written this guide to make sure that we
all enjoy ourselves in the final days of our lives. Follow this five step guide
and you’ll have an Armageddon to remember…sort of.
1) Cancel your Mortgage Direct Debit
Lets face it, many of us are
paying a mortgage well in to the hundreds of pounds each month but by refusing
to pay it means that we can use the money on other things. There is no fear of
repossession as that process can take three months. By then, you and the people
of the mortgage company will be dead, so don’t worry about it. If you’re a
single guy, go and it on call girls and hookers and have a great time. If
you’re female, hire a hitman to kill girls better looking than you – not you
Tulisa, there’ll be no women left.
2)
Cancel all your remaining direct debits
As with the mortgage, you can
easily spend the money you pay for council tax or utilities on much better
things, so fuck them all and get the stuff that will make you happy in your
final months. Go on, you deserve it – not you Tulisa, you deserve fuck all. You
can’t even give a decent blowjob
3)
Cancel Christmas
You would be forgiven for
thinking some of the money you save could go towards Christmas. Well get that
stupid idea out of your fucking head. Christmas falls four days after we all
die so why waste time shopping for people who will be dead? No, don’t buy any
Christmas presents and spend the money by buying a gun and plenty of ammo and
giving an early Armageddon present to the like of Justin Bieber, One Direction
and Tulisa.
4)
Tell work to just fuck off
Come on, you’ve always wanted to
do this so do it in style. Get some pictures of your colleagues and photoshop
them in compromising positions. For an extra laugh, send them to their home
addresses, sit back and watch the fireworks. They’ll all find it funny, trust
me. Then in your final few days, download as much porn as possible and show
everyone how well you treat your old fella. And by porn, I mean proper stuff,
not that Tulisa shit. My cat gives a better blowjob…so I’m told by the other
cats.
5)
Have a huge, fuck off party
Look, everyone else is going to
be dead on December 22, so ransack you local off-licence the day before and
grab as much alcohol as you can. Then go home and drink the fucking lot of it.
Liver failure? Alcohol poisoning? Forget those, they are of no concern. Who
cares if your liver fails? As for a hangover, you’ll be dead in the morning no
matter what so be care free and go for it. In fact, you might as well have
unprotected sex with everyone in the room with absolutely no worries about
anything. Oh and just make sure that you invite the people you want to invite
and make a point of not inviting those you don’t. Really rub it in by telling them
how much you hate them as well. But don’t invite Tulisa; she will bring the
mood down a few notches.
So there you are, the ultimate guide to having a good time
in the run up to Armageddon 2012. If you follow that, you will have the time of
your life and you’ll go into your death with a hooker in one hand, beer in the
other crashing into the gates of hell screaming ‘WHAT A FUCKING RIDE.’
See you all in the fiery pits.
May that god-damn force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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