Metal Mickey Resurrected To Work In Probation Service

1980’s robot TV star Metal Mickey is to make a sensational comeback to regular life and is set to be employed by the Probation Service, it has been revealed.

Government Confirms Invading Mosquitoes Will Be Given Access To Housing And Benefits

The British government have responded to claims by scientists, who believe the UK could be invaded by deadly Asian Tiger Mosquitoes, by stating the invaders will be given homes and will also be eligible to take advantage of the British benefits system.

Britain Close To Completing Large Boot For Abu Qatada's Unwelcome Posterior

The British Government have confirmed they are close to completing a huge, metal boot on the south coast of England, which will be used to kick hate cleric Abu Qatada out of the country.

Boris Johnson’s Hair Concerned There Is Nothing Beneath It Following Zombie Apocalypse Remarks

Crackpot Mayor of London Boris Johnson has reassured voters that London is safe in his hands, by stating the city is ready should a zombie apocalypse occur and even vowed they would make every effort to ensure a zombie attack doesn’t happen, particularly during the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

Prince Phillip On High Alert As Pippa Middleton Faces Arrest

The Duke of Hazard, Prince Phillip has been put on high alert to deal with a ‘situation’ after news that Pippa Middleton could be arrested, which would bring embarrassment to the Royal Family.

Tom Daley To Take Diving Lessons From Ashley Young

Diver Tom Daley is set to take lessons from Manchester United winger Ashley Young in a bid to help him win gold at the London Olympics in the summer.

Al Qaeda Travelling To North Korea To Teach Them How To Launch A Rocket

Bored Al Qaeda operatives, with nothing better to do, are travelling to North Korea to show them how to fire a rocket properly, after the communist country’s spectacular failure to put on in orbit.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part Three

In the final part of the most thrilling trilogy ever written, Jesus got nailed on Friday. Afterwards, he paid the hooker and went straight to the STD clinic. He then got himself crucified in front of a live TV audience, along with Katie Price and Nick Clegg (don’t we just wish?) His body was taken to a tomb and a huge stone rolled in front of it.

And now the conclusion of The Alternative Easter Story.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part Two

 

Continuing with the story that will almost certainly spell my doom and send me on a one-way journey to hell, Jesus has been arrested and sentenced to death by crucifixion.

The Alternative Easter Story – Part One

Well, this week of course is Easter week, which is a very important week for chocolate lovers everywhere to get fatter than you already are. It is also a very special time. Four days off form work. Oh yeah, and some bloke called Jesus pissed a lot of people off and ended up being nailed to a cross for all our sins.

I don’t know why he holds us all responsible; I wasn’t even born then, but that just the way it goes. But was it all real? And what would it be like if this happened today? Let’s find out as we explore a more modern version of the Easter Story

Tool of the Year – Contender Number Seven – Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner

Politicians seem to be dominating our inaugural Tool of the Year competition, but this time, we give UK politicians a break by adding the Argentinean president to our list of complete bell-ends.

Ryanair To Use Paper Planes To Cut Costs

Irish airline Ryanair is undergoing another round of cost cutting by replacing their current stock of planes with a paper version. And to cut the cost of this exercise further, the airline is planning on employing school children with a superior knowledge of origami to build the new fleet.

Negotiations Fail As Puppet Of Prince William Executed In Argentina

The Foreign Office have confirmed that a puppet of Prince William has been mercilessly executed on the streets of Argentina after last minute negotiations to secure its release failed.

Heaven In Impassioned Plea To Find God After Realising Jesus Is Not Up To Scratch

Angels in heaven have made a heartfelt and impassioned plea to mortals on earth, asking if anyone who has seen god or know of his whereabouts to let them know after finally admitting the deity has been missing for over 2,000 years.

Men Panic-Downloading Porn As Government Plans Could Lead To Shortage

Men across the UK are panic-downloading tons of porn as the government announce new plans to monitor Internet communications.